| Written Interview with Dr. Ellen Kreidman, the "Fairy Godmother of Relationships" |
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| Written by Dainis W. Michel | |
| Tuesday, 04 December 2007 | |
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She’s been called “America’s Love Expert,” the “Fairy Godmother of Relationships,” and the “Experts Expert!” My guest today is Dr. Ellen Kreidman, New York Times best selling author and highly acclaimed relationship expert. She has appeared on every major talk show including Oprah, Montel, Sally, Maury, and Barbara Walter’s, “The View.” For the past 20 years, her programs,“Light His Fire” and “Light Her Fire” have been changing people’s lives by teaching them how to put fun, romance and communication in their relationship. Today may be the day she changes your life as well. Welcome Dr.Ellen 1. You say that there is actually a formula for a good relationship? Could you tell us what that is? Yes: 1) A 10 second kiss everyday When a couple stands at the alter and vows to love each other, “Till death do us part,” they take for granted that they will be intimately connected forever. The kiss at the end of the ceremony symbolizes that connection and should continue for the rest of your lives together. 2) A 5 second compliment everyday When your head hits the pillow at night, ask yourself, “Have I made the people I love the most feel good? Have I given them a compliment? If the answer is NO, you owe them two the next day 3) A 20 second hug everyday We have become a dog and cat petting society. Everyone sits down and night and strokes their pet and baby talks to it. I want people to replace their pet with their partner. Put the head of a human being in your lap and stroke it. 4) A 30minute talk everyday We have to share our day, the feelings behind our actions. I was mad, I was sad, I got annoyed, I was so relieved, I had so much anxiety- Being understood by another human being, makes us feel close and safe. And if a couple is doing these things OUTSIDE the bedroom, there won’t be any problem INSIDE the bedroom. If people are having problems with their sex life, that’s not the CAUSE of a bad relationship, that’s the Result of a relationship that’s not working OUTSIDE the bedroom. 2. Why is kissing for 10 seconds everyday so important? The kiss is the core of a relationship. It is a barometer of how things are going. A couple can be having sex but not kissing. If they are not kissing passionately the relationship is in trouble. Most couples aren’t even aware of when their relationship started changing. What started out as a passionate relationship, over time becomes a friendship. One day they wake up and realize, “Oh, my gosh, we’re roommates and no longer lovers! Well I’m here to tell you that you can keep your friend but you have to get your lover back as well. When you give someone a peck on the cheek, that says, “I love you,” but a 10 second kiss says, “I’m still in love with you!” Of all the homework assignments I give, the 10 second kiss has the most immediate and dramatic effect. If you give it in the morning it sets the tone for the rest of the day and if you give it in the evening it sets the mood for the rest of the evening. It’s not your brother, sister peck on the cheek which feels comfortable and platonic. It’s a passionate kiss that makes you feel warm, close and connected. I want everyone listening, to grab their mate tonight and give them a passionate 10 second kiss. When they say, “WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU, you can tell them, I listened to this show and, “WE ARE NOT GOING TO BE ROOMMATES ANYMORE. FROM NOW ON WE ARE LOVERS AGAIN.” Before you kiss, you may feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, tense, annoyed, distant. After you kiss you’ll feel close, warm, and connected. When we kiss, we are exchanging our breath with one another. When we exchange breathe, we are breathing in our mate’s life force, his energy and he is breathing in ours. In this way we become one. That’s why this is such an intimate act. 3. You say that you know the secret of falling in love and staying in love. So what’s your secret? When I give this piece of information, I think every major talk show host asks me to repeat it. Oprah had me repeat it a couple of times backstage. So here goes. A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is with a woman. And when he doesn’t feel good anymore he’s going to find another woman that does make him feel good. That’s what an affair is about. It’s not that he’s in love with the other woman. What he’s really in love with is the way he feels about himself when he’s with the other woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman will say, “Ellen, now that I’m in love I feel beautiful, sexy, special, needed,” and we have a RIGHT to feel like that for the rest of our lives. When we don’t, we try to find someone else who’ll make us feel good. I was doing a radio show in Texas and a guy called up and said, “I don’t believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and just had to call you up. For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn’t put into words why! My wife is pretty, she’s intelligent, she’s the pillar of the community. But the truth is, I feel like NOTHING when I’m with my wife and I feel like a king when I’m with this other woman. So we have to continually ask ourselves, “ How does MY mate feel about THEMSELVES when they're with ME? Do they feel WANTED, IMPORTANT and NEEDED? Or maybe you DON'T KNOW how they feel. And what about YOU! How do you feel about yourself when you’re with your mate? My PROGRAM shows people how to make another person feel SO GOOD about who they are that they’d never dream about being with anyone else. A lot of people think the reason they’re having problems with their relationship is because they’re not making enough money or they’re not attractive enough. And they are dead WRONG. It’s not about getting prettier, or thinner or making more money or becoming more intelligent. Some of the wealthiest people are lonely. Some of the most beautiful people are by themselves. This is about how does another human being feel about themselves when they are in your presence. In other words, it isn’t about me but how does my husband feel about himself when he’s with me and it’s not about him but how do I feel about myself when I’m with him. And if we both make each other feel so good, why would we want to be with anyone else? 4. You always hear couples complaining, “We just don’t communicate anymore.” Why do you think couples have such a tough time communicating? We all want to matter. And understand this…, I really want to matter to you in a good way. But rather than not matter at all, I’m going to matter in a negative way. And that’s why you have so many relationship problems. Let me give you an example-Let’s say a man comes home and he sees his wife on the telephone. What he thinks is, “ I don’t believe this... I haven’t seen her all day and she’d rather talk to her friends than be with me. Or maybe she sees him coming home and the first thing he does is….. he starts opening the mail...What she thinks is...I don’t believe this, I haven’t seen him all day and he’d rather look at the bills than talk to me. So twenty minutes later you have an argument, and really what the person is saying at an unconscious level is, “oh yeah, you’re going to ignore me? You’re going to make believe that I don’t exist! Well, I’m going to start an argument because even an argument is better than the nothingness that I feel around here.” And if men and women could really verbalize what they really wanted to say it would be, “tell me why I matter, tell me why I make a difference. And don’t just tell me once, but tell me over and over again every single day.” Because I’ll tell you right now, when a person feels they don’t matter, they’ll become cold, they’ll become argumentative, and they certainly won’t communicate. 5. What about people who still care about each other but they are bored out of their minds with the routine. It’s the same old thing day after day. That’s probably one of the most common things I hear people say, “I’m so bored in this relationship or my life is so boring. Well, the best way not to have a boring relationship is not to be a boring person. Now here goes, I know I’m going to insult somebody out there, if you are bored, you are boring. And you know why? Because when you say I’m bored what you are really saying is, somebody else entertain me. Somebody out there make me happy. But if you say, I’m a bore, now you have to take responsibility. The only way I know how to get out of boredom is to do something outrageous. Do something you’ve never done before; something totally out of character because, guess what… You’ll be nervous, you’ll be scared, you’ll be excited but you won’t be bored anymore. And I know when people hear some of my ideas, they say, Oh, I can do that or I’ve done that, that’s no big deal, but then there’s the one that they hear and then say, oh, I could never do that in a million years. Well that’s the one I want them to do because you know why? As soon as you even start to think about the things that you can’t do, your heart starts to beat faster, the adrenaline starts to flow and you’re alive and that’s what I really teach - Feeling alive again! 6. In your program you have a lover’s plan and talk about putting sex on the calendar. Doesn’t that take away the spontaneity? Not at all! We put doctor’s appointments on the calendar, dentists appointments, we even schedule car maintenance on the calendar. But heaven for bid, we schedule the person who means the most to us on the calendar. Let me ask you something. What do you think a honeymoon is if not an entire week of planned sex? And everyone has the time of their life going out and buying special lingerie, cologne, perfume and planning for sex. That doesn’t take away- it adds to your life together. I also have a lover’s plan: 1. 1 night a week - date night 2. every three months and overnight stay at a hotel 3. once a year a one week vacation 7. When you talk about being spontaneous and making love on the spur of the moment what do you say to those people who are shy and conservative? Well first of all the reason I can get people to do outrageous things is because I really talk about what life is all about and it’s about creating memories. And when it’s all said and done, that’s all we have are memories. You know we get wise when we’re ready to die and nobody but nobody on their deathbed has ever said, “I should have spent more time at the office. I knew it! I should have put in more overtime.” You’re not going to remember what you wore, the dinners you made, how clean the house was, or who won the game. What you are going to say in the end is, “It’s over and I should have had more fun and most of all I should have told and shown the people I love how much they mean to me.” And I just don’t want to have anyone have a life filled with regrets. We all learned delayed gratification when we were children.
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| Last Updated ( Thursday, 22 May 2008 ) |
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